Before I was afflicted, I went astray, but now I obey your word. You are good, and what you do is good; teach me  your decrees. ..  I keep your precepts with all my heart…I delight in your law. It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees. The law from your mouth is more precious to me than thousands of pieces of silver and gold…Your hands made me and formed me; give me understanding to learn your commands. May those who fear you rejoice when they see me, for I have put my hope in your word.  Palm 119 67-74

I first wrote and underlined this passage in my Bible in June of 2011. I had just gotten home from the hospital after a bout with my asthma. This time the Lord did a lot of work while I was there. I have come home tired! He sold my sofa to one of the nurses and everywhere I turned there was someone to share with! My roommate, her husband, my nurses, even my student nurses. It really was glorious! And this was the scripture the Lord gave to me.

I know O Lord, that your laws are righteous, and in faithfulness you have afflicted me. May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant. Let your compassion come to me that I may live, for your law is your delight…I will mediate on your precepts…May my heart be blameless toward your decrees, that I may not be put to shame.

Then the Lord brought me back  there 2 months later. ..It seems I hadn’t been studying His precepts thoroughly enough, nor did I have an adult’s comprehension of the passage-just a child’s. So I prayed-and prayed that he would give me a hope that this feeling  would be understood as an adult. To that end, He started giving me passages on health. I always thought they were for someone else-more deserving-but on  August 26 of this year, I got a new scripture. I even told ya’ll not to get too excited! But I was excited-because it did seem for me as I could find nothing for anyone else! this time the scripture is from Jeremiah 17: 7-10,14-15

But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, who confidence is in Him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.  The heart is deceitful  above all things and beyond cure who can understand it?  I, the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve…Heal me , O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved for you are the one I praise.  They keep saying to me, “Where is the word of the Lord ? Let it now be fulfilled” 

I first gave you those verses on August 18th and September 3rd. Then I was due for my Remecaid on September 14th.  Now these dates are important. USUALLY  by the week before the Remecaid is given, I have started hurting-not this time and certainly the week of, or absolutely, positively the week after. But as I write this, I don’t have any pain! Is that not the greatest thing in all the world?  So I would say that this is proof positive that the Lord God keeps His Promises! (now that I know this-there will be forth coming announcements)





Many thanks http://writerwannabe763.wordpress. com

God has spoken to me and I’m not kidding

Anyone who has read my blog of the last year and a half knows of my journey. So please bear with me while I recount the last 2 wks. Two weeks ago, our pastor gave a sermon on stories and used my life verse, ll Cor 1:4 as the text.  The jist of it was that really our life is not about getting there–the destination, it is about the journey. It’s about our experiences, our sphere of people we interact with (whether we want to or not), just everything that touches us. The Bible says that EVERYTHING that comes to us is filtered through His fingers. So for all my life I have asked, Why did you give my this body Lord?  Why did I have to have this happen to me? Why can I not stay well? Why do I have to live with constant pain, Why, Why, Why? So how could my loving, gracious all powerful holy Father let this all happen to me? First I believe you really have to go to the Word of God for answers, for comfort, for knowledge, even for help in my believing, but unbelief too. This isn’t something that you get from self help books or even counselors–this is between you and holy God. So as I was studying in Isaiah in my weekly lesson, in one chapter it kept saying “in the womb I formed you” over and over and at first I grumbled but then I remembered in Psalms where God said He knit my innermost parts together and in Jeremiah He says that he has a plan to care for and prosper me. Then I went back to my life verse and as I began to read it, God began to tell me why. I never expected an answer!  Afterall, He is God of all and doesn’t have to explain anything he does. But this is what he told me.

Cindy, I love you. I have loved forever and will always love you. Nothing will separate you from my love. My child your life has been a series of stories, sometimes miracles that I have done, so that whenever you meet someone  there will almost be instant rapport because you and  that person or their loved one has gone through  the same physical trial you have and you know exactly how they feel and so can offer comfort. Physical issues and pain bring people together along with other things you’ve experienced. I know that you have been going through the trial of affliction and that you have had to come through a lot of losses in the past 3 years but my child, now you are truly dependant on me. My child, you must trust me for my promises. and then He said it again, Trust me.

So now I wait for Him to act on those promises. But I will never again complain about my body-all I will do is look about in anticipation of who the Lord is going to bring to me to share and comfort with!


This is a really awesome video that my brother sent me today. I have shared with my GriefShare group and they thought it was great and timely!  Click below and enjoy!


So we settled down, our little family. My husband graduated Tech and went to work for a general contractor as a project manager. Those guys work long, hard hours and I am not sure that they are ever compensated enough! I never dreamed that someday, in a different life I would be recruting and placing those kinds of people!

Back to being a mommy! I loved this! I would go to KMart and find little sunsuits with hats to dress her in and then we’d come home from the store and try them all on! Like playing dolls, except she was alive! And active and very demonstrative of her likes and dislikes. I learned on the job about packing a diaper bag and all that one might need for just a couple of hours-remember this is before handi-wipes or pampers with elastic at the legs. I thought of it, shoulda, woulda, coulda on that! Too late! Of course we did the “real” diaper thing first, but pretty quickly went to the disposables. It just seemed cleaner to me. And I would put wet washclothes in tin foil to keep it wet for cleaning up-whatever. Our first outing, I didn’t bring extra clothes, but learned quickly to bring extras of everything! Melissa was a joy and I thought I was set! Now, we just needed another baby and we’d be complete. I didn’t want her to be an “only”. I have 5 brothers and sisters that I treasure and wanted at least one sibling for her. Because we had had so much trouble, we were advised to try again, quickly. At about the time Melissa was 13 months, we thought I might be pregnant again, but it turned out to be another cyst. This time, fast growing and very painful. Our doctor told us that he would do everything he could to keep me “in tack”. This was back when with 3 abdominal surgeries or even C-sections, you were done, but I was only 22 years old. I knew he was a good surgeon and trusted him.  When I woke up, though, it was to bad news. There really wasn’t much there to save. My tubes were destroyed by adhesions, my ovaries were covered with cysts-one about to explode with who knows what-and I’d already had two questionable PAP smears. Back then, with no test tube babies born yet, it seemed reasonable to take my uterus as well as the other organs. In fact, my doctor said that Melissa really was a miracle, because he couldn’t see how in the world I had gotten pregnant with no tubes connecting the ovaries to the uterus! But our God is the giver of life and He knew and listened to my fervent prayers for a child. He made it happen-regardless of what the medical profession understands.

Once I got out of the hospital, I had a tough time emotionally. I didn’t know why-no one prepared me for “menopause” but that was what I experienced. Up and down emotions, crying, hot flashes. I finally bought a bag of marshmallows just to have something to throw that wouldn’t hurt anything! Finally, I had enough sense to call my doctor and he put me on premarin-estrogen. It took awhile to get stabilized, but what a difference! If I ever forgot to take the medicine, my husband always knew!

I still had lot’s of trouble with kidney infections and was hospitalized with surgery and lot’s of antibiotics. I think Melissa was about 18 months-she stayed with her paternal grandparents, who were two of the most awesome people I’ve ever known. Her “Grandmommy” took her hand when she got there, took her into the bathroom and said, “big girls don’t wet their pants” and that was that! When I came home from the hospital, Melissa came right up and said, Mommy, Big girl! and proceeded to show me her potty! I guess she was just ready, but my goodness, that was amazing. Melissa’s great grandfather came to live with the grandparents after his wife died. He became just as important as her parents or grandparents in her life. He would sit for hours reading books to her and just paying attention. I think that was what was so great about all of them. They really paid attention to you and loved you unconditionally.

I still wanted that second child! I prayed and read the Word a lot about my desires. I was very involved with church-taught Sunday School and also a women’s Bible study. I was very organized so that my household wouldn’t suffer my outside involvement. We had bought a house by then. It had a great area for a garden and so the greatgrandfather and grandfather came over, tilled and planted and we had some of every kind of vegetable. I learned to can, to make pickles-I always liked to cook so having fresh was great. I even tried making bread, but wasn’t any good at that. This was before the bread making machines were out there.

We had some great next door neighbors. They had a little girl Melissa’s age and so it was often that we all got together. Soon after, they had another little girl. This really made me yearn for that other child. Then in January 1986, God spoke to me through His Word and told me He was going to give us a child. I was to prepare for it. I took Him at His word and got down the crib and baby clothes and things from the attic that I had kept. I set up the nursery in our 3rd bedroom and waited. Early in the spring, I got a call from a friend. She had a friend who was pregnant and thinking of giving the child up for adoption. Were we interested? Well, what could I say? I told her I was totally ready for the child-that I knew we were going to have one, but had no idea where it would come from! So here it was. All we had to do was pay the legal expenses of the adoption and the medical expenses of the birth mother. We decided to correspond through our attorney. I wrote of my prayers and God’s assurance of another child. I wrote of my family and faith and desire to love and raise another child. Then in August, our second daughter was born. Our attorney called and told me by telling me how much she looked like me! Same dimples, dark hair,but healthy and whole. Of course part of the agreement was that we would take whatever the baby was-boy or girl, healthy or not.  God always gives perfect gifts and Laurel was certainly perfect in my eyes. We brought her home when she was 3 days old. I could tell right away that she had a milk allergy-boy-little did I know what we were going to go through with her allergies! But what a sweet girl. Melissa loved her baby sister and helped me with her. I was amazed at how my neighbors welcomed her with gifts and cards. All I knew was that now my family was really complete!

A New Direction

Suddenly I turned into my mother! I wanted to share Jesus with everyone! I wanted to go back and ask forgiveness for anything and everything I had ever done to anyone!

My husband and I joined a non-denominational church and got very involved in the music ministry and working with teens. As young as we were, we felt that it gave us an understanding edge. I started going to a Bible Study on Wednesdays-Kay Arthur was the teacher-way before Precept Ministries…but the insight and learning that I obtained stays with me to this day.

I worked part time-first at Sears in the Jr High section. I could still wear the clothes and loved the selling part. Back then, there were contests for most sales, etc and being the Atype competitive person I am-I always had to win-even over the full time people. But it was a lot of fun for me. The hard part was working till 9 some nights, but my husband was still in school and studying so he couldn’t miss me, right?

Eventually we believed the Doctors about not having any children and moved to a one bedroom apt off campus. We were neighbors with some great friends and close to Tech, to shopping and restaurants and not that far from our church. I think we were in that apartment about 3 months when I started being unable to keep anything I ate, down! I called the Dr and of course, no one thought I was pregnant-it had to be something else! But after a blood test, it was confirmed, I was pregnant again.  Hallelujah!  This time I thought for sure everything would be fine. I was so sick at my stomach all day long and at night too. That part was awful and I had to take medicine and get shots for it. But then we were on the way into a football game and I started spotting heavily! I couldn’t believe that we were going to go through this again. I was put to bed-just got up to eat and go to the bathroom and finally a month later I was allowed up-still pregnant! At about 4 months, I was suddenly hit with the worst pain I had ever had and we rushed to the hospital. I was told after the exam that the muscles that had been cut to “restring” my uterus were now being stretched by a growing baby and what I was experiencing were muscle spasms. If I remember correctly it was also the first night I heard the baby’s heartbeat-strong and steady. That was great, but as the baby grew, the muscle spasms continued and I was given Valium to help! Remember this was 1972!  Otherwise, my belly continued to grow and I was so happy! God was giving me my heart’s desire! At 5 1/2 months, I woke from an afternoon nap to feel my belly contracting. I called my mom and she came and immediately took me to the doctor’s office. After the exam, we were told that my cervix had thinned out and my body was preparing for labor. The only thing to do at that point was to go back to bed for the duration and hope I could stop any active contractions with medication. My mom took me straight back to her house and called my husband. He moved our necessary things into the “in-law” suite that they had and I started a new world in bed.

At first you sleep a lot. But then you can’t sleep at night, so you have to entertain yourself during the days. I did watch TV, I listened to tapes, I read-after a month I was completely bored, but I had to stay down. My mom had the idea of my embroidering bibs, then she got me material to make a baby quilt–so I did stay busy. We did make some trips to the hospital during the next 2 1/2 months when my contractions would get to 2 minutes, but the dr was always able to stop them.

Then on March 12th, going to the table to eat breakfast, my water broke. My brothers and sisters still at home were little and thought it was so funny that their big sister had wet her pants. I was just glad that my mom was there to take charge. Once more we went to the hospital. I hadn’t dilated and back then, they wanted every extra hour in the womb they could get for the baby. So once more, we came back home. In the early morning hours of the 13th, really strong contractions started and when they were again timeable, we took off for the hospital–about 5am. Back then, they did all manner of things to prepare a woman to give birth that I won’t go into-but let me say, that things today are very different! This was a beginning time for the husband to be in the labor and delivery rooms and so my husband was with me. I remember after 2 hours of hard, almost continuous contractions thinking–was I crazy? I had done this on purpose to myself and there was no going back! I wasn’t dilating very quickly even with the contractions, but finally got to the point I could have an epidural. Thank God for that invention!! It completely took away the pain and we played cards all afternoon. Finally, around 6-6:15, I was ready to deliver. We went into the operating room-yes they still did that then- and here comes Melissa Karen. I watched in the overhead mirror. What a miracle that was! She was fine. I was not. I was bleeding out. My uterus had just stopped contracting-tired, I guess. I remember thinking before I went out (gas?) all this only to die now?

When I woke up, I was told what a great doctor I had. He had really saved me that day. About midnight, I got up, took a shower and walked down to the nursery to see my little girl. She was tiny 5lbs 12oz. and fit in the space between my hand and my elbow-which if you know me-is short! I thought she was beautiful. My little miracle. About 24 hours after she was born, Melissa was still very lethargic, didn’t want to nurse and began to turn yellow. And I mean YELLOW. Her eyes, her whole body was yellow. Her billirubin count was at 19, the highest the hospital had ever had. A specialist was brought in and they begain to treat her with meds and ultraviolet light. Once again, I thought-after all this-to lose her? She had ecoli in her system from my fluid and we were told it was going to take awhile for her to get better. So I left the hospital, again without a baby in my arms, not knowing what was going to happen.

This is where I went back to my God who had given me my heart’s desire. I begged Him for her life. I spent the next 2 wks most days at the hospital in the nursery. Rocking, loving, kissing, soothing, feeding my baby. At some point, I felt like a Mack truck had run over me and I had to rest more. Even though I had lost a lot of blood, it wasn’t quite enough for a transfusion, so I had a lot to build back up. One other “fun” thing I experienced was finding out I was allergic to iodine/betadine in a topical spray or ointment. Back then, this is what was used to help the episiotomy to heal! Not mine! Oh that hurt!

Finally after 2 weeks, Melissa was allowed to come home! She slept in a bassinet right next to me and ate every 2 hours. I think for that first month-all either of us did was eat and sleep!

Now my sweet girl is all grown up with children of her own! THREE girls! and she just pops them out! Where is the justice?

Newly Married

I got just what I wanted! I was married to someone who had promised to love and cherish me and that I thought I could be me with and I planned on being a great wife to boot!

College was very interesting. In school then, at least, you get involved in learning nursing right away. I was really fascinated believe it or not with my labs and nursing/science courses. The core classes that every freshman has to take weren’t bad, but not as involving.

Married student housing was one big apartment building where everyone knew everyone and we settled right in. At first, we had an efficiency apt. The bed was the sofa bed! Not too much to take care of -but I did like cooking dinner and keeping house. Our only problem was continuing to find out we really had nothing in common-but I was determinded to do whatever was necessary- since he was interested in race cars-I was. We became licensed SCCA timers for the GrandCam at Road Atlanta-wkends were all about the races and where they were.  We did all the things college kids do–party, go to football games, study, party…

Then in late October I came down with severe flu and bronchitis–I don’t think I got out of bed for a week! Back then the birth control of choice was the Pill and being so sick, I forgot to take it for awhile. Of course you know what happened! I got pregnant. Surprise, not something we planned on, but certainly we both wanted kids–this would happen just a little sooner than we thought. We told our parents-who took it well except for my mom–she was so certain that now I wouldn’t finish school–but I reassured her. I had a plan! I was going to be super mom. Work, go to school, care for a baby and a husband! What was I thinking? Actually I was so naiive at this stage of my life, I always thought everything would work out for good.      

At 2 1/2 months I lost the baby. I was devastated! It never occurred to me that this would happen! I was put on the ob floor which made it even worse–hearing all those babies crying. I felt so empty and inadequate.

Well, now of course, all I wanted was to get pregnant again. Something happens to your hormones I think! I thought I was so lucky when a few months later, I was pregnant again. Finally, I would have the baby and the family I had always wanted! But it was not to be and I lost that one too. Now I began to think I was a freak! My married friends were having babies all around me-whether they wanted to or not–but I couldn’t seem to carry one through.

Suddenly that wasn’t the only trouble I had–constant kidney and bladder infections led to surgery. Then I had a cyst on my ovary that blew up quickly and had emergency surgery for that. It turned out that I had polycystic ovaries and an upside down and backwards uterus. So that was all fixed- I thought and then I came down with another cyst. More surgery…this time it was complicated with infection, but finally I got better and soon I was pregnant again. This time I lost the baby at 2 months. Oh, I can not begin to describe how that felt. This time, after the D&C, the doctor told us we probably would never have a child. Devastated, I begin to look for answers-WHY ME, God?

Our God is a faithful God-always patient and loving and waiting for us to come to Him. Sometimes it takes bottoming out for us to seek  HIM out. For me, this came in the form of a weekend seminar that we were invited to. As I listened and my heart opened, I realized that first the first time, giving God control of my life was not going to be a bad thing. I certainly couldn’t do anything right as I saw it. I just was so miserable at that point in my life–I certainly had not made good decisions, but I knew God could/would make all things new. I was 20 years old-my birthday-that I gave my heart to Him. And you’d think everything would be hunky-dory from then on-but no, I had many, many lessions yet to learn!