Posted by cindyhfrench on September 15, 2009
I got just what I wanted! I was married to someone who had promised to love and cherish me and that I thought I could be me with and I planned on being a great wife to boot!
College was very interesting. In school then, at least, you get involved in learning nursing right away. I was really fascinated believe it or not with my labs and nursing/science courses. The core classes that every freshman has to take weren’t bad, but not as involving.
Married student housing was one big apartment building where everyone knew everyone and we settled right in. At first, we had an efficiency apt. The bed was the sofa bed! Not too much to take care of -but I did like cooking dinner and keeping house. Our only problem was continuing to find out we really had nothing in common-but I was determinded to do whatever was necessary- since he was interested in race cars-I was. We became licensed SCCA timers for the GrandCam at Road Atlanta-wkends were all about the races and where they were. We did all the things college kids do–party, go to football games, study, party…
Then in late October I came down with severe flu and bronchitis–I don’t think I got out of bed for a week! Back then the birth control of choice was the Pill and being so sick, I forgot to take it for awhile. Of course you know what happened! I got pregnant. Surprise, not something we planned on, but certainly we both wanted kids–this would happen just a little sooner than we thought. We told our parents-who took it well except for my mom–she was so certain that now I wouldn’t finish school–but I reassured her. I had a plan! I was going to be super mom. Work, go to school, care for a baby and a husband! What was I thinking? Actually I was so naiive at this stage of my life, I always thought everything would work out for good.
At 2 1/2 months I lost the baby. I was devastated! It never occurred to me that this would happen! I was put on the ob floor which made it even worse–hearing all those babies crying. I felt so empty and inadequate.
Well, now of course, all I wanted was to get pregnant again. Something happens to your hormones I think! I thought I was so lucky when a few months later, I was pregnant again. Finally, I would have the baby and the family I had always wanted! But it was not to be and I lost that one too. Now I began to think I was a freak! My married friends were having babies all around me-whether they wanted to or not–but I couldn’t seem to carry one through.
Suddenly that wasn’t the only trouble I had–constant kidney and bladder infections led to surgery. Then I had a cyst on my ovary that blew up quickly and had emergency surgery for that. It turned out that I had polycystic ovaries and an upside down and backwards uterus. So that was all fixed- I thought and then I came down with another cyst. More surgery…this time it was complicated with infection, but finally I got better and soon I was pregnant again. This time I lost the baby at 2 months. Oh, I can not begin to describe how that felt. This time, after the D&C, the doctor told us we probably would never have a child. Devastated, I begin to look for answers-WHY ME, God?
Our God is a faithful God-always patient and loving and waiting for us to come to Him. Sometimes it takes bottoming out for us to seek HIM out. For me, this came in the form of a weekend seminar that we were invited to. As I listened and my heart opened, I realized that first the first time, giving God control of my life was not going to be a bad thing. I certainly couldn’t do anything right as I saw it. I just was so miserable at that point in my life–I certainly had not made good decisions, but I knew God could/would make all things new. I was 20 years old-my birthday-that I gave my heart to Him. And you’d think everything would be hunky-dory from then on-but no, I had many, many lessions yet to learn!